Feminism / Relationships / Sex / Sexuality

How To Be A Woman (Who Can’t Stop Thinking About Fucking)

tumblr_mn3m5fmCdc1qfqo92o2_500Despite my ardent and enthusiastic feminism, I’ve only just read the remarkable Fear Of Flying by Erica Jong. It was first published in Britain in 1974, but it remains one of the most searingly honest depictions of womanhood that has ever been written.

I’m naturally very suspicious of feminist literature written before the 90s – I’m aware that what we have today is only because of the feminists of yesteryear, but they very often disappoint me with their inability to transcend history.

I think that this feeling goes back to the first time that I discovered Germaine Greer and her curious decision to reject anybody who wasn’t born with a vagina. Well Germaine, I’m afraid you’ve never been more wrong. For your (mis)information, gender identity issues are no more associated with choice than homosexuality. You’re not born a woman, you become one.

So says one of the bravest, boldest and most eloquent women to ever grace the planet – Simone De Beauvoir. Jong and De Beauvoir are the exception to my self-imposed rule, because they cut right to the heart of womanhood. The trappings and fittings of their era are there, but they’re never allowed to obscure the fact that women are the same as they always have been.

It doesn’t matter whether you were born in the 70s, the 80s or the 1870s. It doesn’t matter whether you grew upErica Jong Quote in a liberated society or a an oppressive one, our desires and urges are the same. The issue of womanhood has always come down to one impossible dichotomy – the desire to be fucked and the need to be more than a fuck.

Can the two ever exist in perfect harmony? Will we ever manage to get to a point where we can confess to wanting to be fucked, to wanting to be filled and thus, fulfilled? I’m not talking about being fucked by men either – the desire is the same whether you’re gay, bisexual or an ardent masturbator. You don’t have to be filled by a cock, because there are tongues and fingers and fists and vibrators and dildos and anything else that you can think of.

I’m afraid, the cock isn’t everything – though it has been crowing to the contrary for a thousand years or more. I’m talking about that hunger, that primal ache that Erica Jong refers to as the need for a zipless fuck. According to Jong, the zipless fuck is the purest sexual experience in existence. Her protagonist, the flighty and frightened Isadora Wing, compares it to a unicorn. She’s never had one and she never expects to see one.

The zipless fuck is purity – it’s a single, uncomplicated sexual experience. It comes with no expectation, no responsibility and absolutely no fear. It’s the very definition of that dichotomy between needing to be fucked and wanting to be more than a fuck. It is only in Wing’s mind that the two can ever become one. She’s a wife, a daughter, a sister, a patient, a writer, a woman – like all women, she seemingly has no right to ever put these things aside. That is the sole preserve of men.

la-vida-vibratorI believe that emancipation lies in the notion of the zipless fuck or rather, the willingness to confess one’s desire for something approaching the zipless fuck. It is hard, near impossible, to be a ‘liberated’ woman and be comfortable with the strength and ferocity of the HUMAN desire to fuck. It is a burning primal desire, a need and a sensation that can be startling in its intensity. I’m willing to bet that almost all women think about sex just as often, if not more, than their male counterparts. For men, sex is a fleeting and focused thing – it is localised, it disappears just as fast as it appears. For women, the experience couldn’t be more different.

If you’ve ever been unexpectedly struck by burning desire at the supermarket or on the bus, if you’ve ever wanted to stay indoors all afternoon getting to know yourself, if you’ve ever looked at a stranger and imagined them naked and on all fours behind you – congratulations, you’re a human being. One day, you might even find your pure zipless fuck.

It’s not about being a wife or a girlfriend. It isn’t even about being a woman – it’s about being alive. There should be no fear in fucking. If there is, you’re doing it wrong.

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3 thoughts on “How To Be A Woman (Who Can’t Stop Thinking About Fucking)

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